“A woman holding her little baby in her arms gets onto a bus.
The driver says, ‘Wow, thats an ugly baby!’
The woman is outraged, but says nothing.
She says, ‘That bus driver was so rude and insulting!’
Here, Ill hold your monkey.'
Mark Paris
2.
“The guy replies, ‘Honesty.
The interviewer says, ‘I dont really see how honesty could be considered a weakness?
In fact, I think honesty is a great strength!’
To which the guy replies, ‘I dont really give a shit what you think.’
Steven O’Connor
3.
“Two old ladies are sitting on a bus stop, smoking.
The young man is taken aback by her advanced age, and replies, ‘Wow.
No one has ever asked me for help with that before…um.
What size do you need?’
The old woman pauses, then replies, ‘I need one that will fit a camel.’
Mario Lanza
4.
“Doctor: I have good news and bad news.”
“Patient: ‘OK, first, what’s the good news?’
Doctor: ‘You have 24 hours to live.’
Patient: ‘Oh god, just 24 hours to live, that is good news?
I can’t imagine what the bad news is going to be.’
Doctor: ‘I forgot to phone you yesterday.'”
SBZ
5.
“The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
Im not sure the IRS finds that believable.’
‘Im a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa.
‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘OK.
Grandpa says, ‘Ill bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘Its a bet.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditors jaw drops.
Grandpa says, ‘Now, Ill bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
The auditor can tell Grandpa isnt blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpas attorney as a witness.
He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpas attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘‘Are you OK?’
‘Not really,’ says the attorney.
Helen Engel
6.
I said, ‘No?!’
She said: ‘…How about now?’
Bill Weaver
7.
“A guy goes to confession and says, ‘Bless me father for I have sinned.
On Friday I went golfing, and I used the ‘F’ word.
The priest says, ‘Tell me about it, my son.'”
The priest says, ‘Oh, you must have said it then.’
The priest says, ‘And then what happened?’
The man says, ‘I hit my second shot, and the ball went wide right.’
The priest says, ‘So thats when you said it?’
So the priest says, ‘Oh, so thats when you said it, then.’
“Before the EU, a German tourist was entering France when the border agent asked, ‘Name?’
The German replied, ‘Heinrich Gruber.’
The agent then asked, ‘City of residence?’
The German replied, ‘Frankfurt.’
Finally, the agent asked, ‘Occupation?’
And the German replied, ‘No, just visiting.'”
Norm Keller
9.
“Vendor says, Raspberry syrup?
Yes c’mon, replies the bloke in the same painful sounding voice.
No, says the bloke, pointing to his throat, Laryngitis.”
Salvatore Ward
10.
“A little old lady goes to her doctor for a checkup.
The doctor asks her if she is having any problems.
‘Yes doctor, I have a problem.
I have to fart a lot.
I fart all the time.
Fortunately, no one can hear them or smell them.
In fact, I have farted twice just since you came in.
I bet you couldnt hear or smell them, could you?'”
Chuck Donaldson
11.
“A man sits at a bar and orders 10 beers and drinks them one after the other.
He then orders nine beers and drinks them as well, and this goes on and on.”
After drinking these last four beers, he says to the bartender:
‘I dont understand this.
The less beers I drink, the more drunk I get.’
Thomas Cayne
12.
“Two sisters inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
They only have $600 available.”
The older sister arrives at the stockyard, inspects a bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
Well, after paying for the bull, she only had one dollar, enough to send one word.
The operator shakes his head.
She explained, ‘This is a big word for my sister.
So she’ll read it very slowly…sounding it out as com-for-da-bull.'”
Michael Power
13.
“Two nuns are riding their bicycles around the backstreets of Rome.
The other nun replies, ‘Must be the cobblestones.’
David Harrison
14.
“Guy walks into a bar.
Tells the bartender to set em up for the house and tells the bartender to have one himself.
The bartender presents the guy with the bill.
The guy says, ‘I ain’t got no money.’
The bartender bum-rushes the guy out the door and throws him into the street.”
The bartender presents the guy with the bill.
The guy says, ‘I told you last night, I ain’t got no money!’
‘Why you dirty SOB,’ the bartender yells as he once again tosses the guy into the street.
Next night, the guy’s back.
‘Why not me?’
‘Because, you get mean when you drink!!’
David Wagner
15.
“One day a city stockbroker decides he has just had too much.
Too much stress, too much of the big city, too much everything.
For six months he lives in tranquillity and isolation.
Then, one day, there is a knock at the door.”
Eventually, the big man speaks:
‘Im yer neighbor from the cabin about a mile down the road.
Anyhow, Im having a party on Saturday, and I wondered if youd like to come.’
The guy pauses for a second and then replies: ‘You know what, that would be great.
It is about time I got out, and it would be nice to meet some new people.
Id love to come.’
‘Right,’ says the lumberjack, looking a little relieved.
‘Ill see you about eight oclock on Saturday then.’
And then he turns to leave.
‘Well, Im sure thats OK. ‘Right then,’ says the big man.
‘Well, eight oclock then.’
But as he turns to go, he pauses again and turns back.
‘Uh, well, OK,’ the guy replies.
But if it gets rough, then I am sure I can take care of myself.’
‘Right then,’ says the big man.
‘See you at eight oclock then.’
But once again, he pauses and turns back, scratching his beard.
‘So I probably also need to tell you: There might be some pretty wild sex.’
The guy perks up a bit at that.
‘Well, you know, we are all consenting adults.
‘OK then,’ says the man.
‘Well, see you Saturday.’
And with that he turns and starts to stroll away.
‘Oh wait, just one question,’ says the guy.
‘What should I wear?’
The lumberjack pauses to think, and scratches his beard again.
‘I dont suppose it really matters much.
It’s just gonna be you and me.'”
