Odds are you’ll be telling these jokes yourself once you hear them!
leslie12345
2.
“My parrot recently died.
Its last words were, ‘Fuck, I think my parrot’s about to die.'”
indy1989
3.
“A little old lady has a husband whose farting has gotten ridiculous.
Especially at night, in bed, it’s gotten way out of hand.
Angrily, she tells him he’s gotta do something about it!
Or one of these days he’s going to fart his insides out!
He ignores her pleas, and every night, the farting gets worse.
I’ll show him, she thinks.”
“The next morning she wakes up early and creeps to the kitchen.
A little while later, her husband comes into the kitchen, and he looks upset.
‘I guess you were right after all, Agnes…
I farted my guts out overnight!’
Agnes feigned innocence, asking, ‘Maybe it’s time to talk to the doctor about this?’
‘Nah,’ her husband replied.
‘I’ll be ok, I just stuffed them back in.'”
zazupitz
4.
The animal is a dog.
It’s a Shih Tzu."
sewskilled
5. chi_liete
6.
“A man tells his doctor, ‘Help me doctor, I’m addicted to Twitter!’
The doctor responds, ‘Sorry, I don’t follow you…'”
xy8lu
7.
“A truck driver is starving and stops at a biker bar.
He orders a beer and some food.
Right after hes served, a biker gang enters the bar, eager for a fight.
One walks up to the trucker, and slaps his hat off.
The trucker takes a sip of beer.
Another biker swats his food off the table.
The trucker takes another sip of beer.
So a third biker grabs the beer and pours it over the truckers head.
The trucker gets up, pays the bill, and leaves.
The biker leader says, ‘That trucker sure wasnt much of a fighter.’
The bartender says, ‘Hes not much of a driver either.
He just drove over all your bikes!’
aditson
8.
“Three old ladies sitting on a bench in the park.
A completely naked man runs past them.
Two of them had a stroke.
One wasn’t fast enough.”
mostlyharmless42
9.
“A lady goes to the doctor with a lettuce leaf sticking out of her knickers.
The doctor says, ‘Oh, this is a strange one.’
The lady says, ‘And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.’
loz1986
10.
“A man goes up to Professor X and says he’d like to join the X-Men.
‘Sure,’ Professor X says.
‘What’s your ability?’
‘I have perfect hindsight,’ the man says.
‘I really don’t think that’s going to help us much.’
‘Yeah,’ the man replies, ‘I can see that now.'”
kmskoby
11.
“Two guys are walking down the street and come upon a dog licking his balls.
One guy says to the other, I wish I could do that.
The other guy replies, Id pet him first.”
sassyghoul20
12.
“Has your doctor talked to you about the benefits of adding dried fruit to your diet?
Im just raisin awareness.”
goldenlion71
13.
“What do you call a guy laying by the door?
What do you call a guy hanging on the wall?
What do you call a guy floating in a pool?
And my favorite: What do you call a guy with a seagull on his head?
crookedflowers
14.
The husband replied, ‘I can see that, sweetheart!’
bcheese
15.
“What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
jillievanilli
16.
“My friend Joe went on the Dolly Parton diet.
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leeean.”
flightforvanity
17.
“A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar.
The rabbit says, ‘I think Im a typo.'”
jmacxjr
18.
“What did the 0 say to the 8?
Lindsey Jackson Keele, Facebook
19.
“As a natural blonde, into my 40s, I LOVE collecting blonde jokes.
My favorite: Two blondes walk into a bar, super happy and excited.
They order their drinks, and the bartender overhears them a few times saying ‘Two weeks!’
while clinking their glasses or high-fiving in celebration.
Intrigued, he asks, ‘So what are you two ladies celebrating this evening?’
The other finishes her sentence, ‘and we finished it together in ONLY TWO WEEKS!’
“A magician was walking down the street and turned into a drug store.”
“Two sperm swimming around inside a lass.
One says, ‘Are we at the egg yet?’
‘Excuse me,’ says the now hatless man, ‘your dog just ate my hat!’
The owner of the dog rudely replies: ‘Yeah, so what?’
To which the owner of the dog shouts back: ‘Attitude?
It was your bloody at e chewed!’
marcelswhalemask
23.
“Whats round on the ends and high in the middle?
cmjd77
24.
“Two muffins are in the oven.
One says to the other, ‘Wow, it’s hot in here!’
The other muffin says, ‘Hey, a talking muffin!'”
We were all rather surprised, but Grandma has been taking it hard.”
jbdnco
26.
“A man goes to the hospital and says, ‘Doctor, doctor!
I have the worst symptoms.
Ive had “Whats New Pussycat?”
stuck in my head for weeks!’
The doctor says, ‘It sounds like you have a case of Tom Jones syndrome.’
The man asks, ‘Is that common?’
And the doctor replies, ‘Its not unusual.’
thebiggestsparrow
27.
“A dog wanders into the jungle.
A lion spots him, but has never seen a dog before.
But the lion wants to know what this new creature tastes like, so he charges at the dog.
The dog panics, but then sees some lion bones next to him.
So the dog loudly says, ‘That was one delicious lion!’
The lion quickly stops.
‘Damn, this creature is a bigger threat than I thought!’
The lion is outraged, and starts to charge the dog again.
But the dog saw the monkey talking to the lion and figured out what happened.
zara_black
And lastly:
29.
They go on a few dates and are having a great time as a couple.
Peter realizes that junior prom is approaching, and he asks Jenna to go with him.
The day arrives, and they go in a limo with Jack and some other friends.
Peter heads over to the snack table, and there is no punch line.”
