“Never marry someone without running a background and credit check.”
Weaskedmembers of theBuzzFeed Communitywho have been divorced to tell us about any regrets from their previous marriages.
We heard from many brave, vulnerable folks who got incredibly candid about their experiences.
Here’s what people shared:
1.
I feel like people use that word recklessly.
Anonymous
2.
“I regret not understanding my spouse’s sexual needs better.
Nothing was enough for him.
We started swinging with another married couple, which was the worst idea.
Both marriages ended; ours first, then theirs.
And, lots of therapy for all of us.”
“I regret not seeing the warning signs from the start.
Each time, my boundaries were pushed back.
We got married, but we are no longer together.
“I didn’t recognize early enough that we had different expectations for each other.
This was shocking because he hadn’t been that way before he had his turn to carry the load.
He was socially very liberal but privately selfish.”
“I regret not trying harder to make my marriage work.
Honestly, I lost interest.
We have twin sons and a daughter.
This lasted for years, ending intimacy on every level.
Our children thought it was normal for mom and dad to live like roommates instead of husband and wife.
If I could go back in time, we would still be married.
It was such an easy fix.”
“I was in heavy credit card and student loan debt.
He seemed an okay catch, but I knew I didn’t love him.
He proposed three years later.
I knew I didn’t want to, but I felt obligated to say yes.
We got married, and three weeks later, I was pregnant.
I have also knocked down my hefty student loan debt to $6,000.
It’s not too shabby, considering how high it was before.
I have a credit score of over 800 and own a home (with a mortgage).
I am mostly happy being single.
I do wonder, though, why men love and gravitate towards the trainwreck.
Is it the boobs?
Men really do seem just to want a project.”
“Don’t wait to get divorced.
People are good at hiding who they really are.
There are some seriously messed up people who prey on good-hearted, strong individuals.
Do you think you won’t marry a narcissist?
Do you think you know the warning signs?
You might find that their real self emerges after you’ve signed the dotted line.
But once you see it, GTFO!
Religious beliefs, family ties, and friendships don’t matter.
Just make the tough decision and call it quits.”
“And, whatever you do, DO NOT have a kid (or kids) with that person.
You’ll be stuck dealing with their instability forever.
If you already have kids with them, don’t stay in a marriage just for them.
Be your authentic self.
It’s not, and they need to know it.
Stop the cycle and show them a better way.
Grey rock your ex and live your best life.
You only get one.
It’s too short to stay stuck in a bad situation.”
“Just because she isn’t complaining doesn’t mean she is happy.
“I regret not ending it sooner.
Then, I was like, ‘you gotta get your shiz together and plan your life.’
When I did that, I suddenly realized how miserable I was.
I never gave myself time and didn’t do anything I wanted to do.
I had lost my entire identity in him.
You’ll realize what you’ve been missing.
Hopefully, you’ll realize it a lot sooner than I did.”
“It was my second marriage.
I had not intended on remarrying.
He had a son, and I had a daughter.
His mother and sister were way more involved, and I should have seen that.
I wanted to be a part of the family and extended family.
It ended badly with the MIL and SIL.
I spoke up for myself.
I never changed my last name because I felt strongly about that.
There was a huge amount of coddling going on for my ex-husband and his son.
I couldn’t take it anymore.
It wrecked my finances.
It was like being with an overgrown child.
I have no regrets divorcing him.
Eventually, my finances will recover, but it will take some years.
This burned me, but lessons were learned.”
“My only regret is not respecting myself enough to leave sooner.
We were childhood sweethearts, and I had known him for 12 years before we even started dating.
When we married, I realized I had no idea who he was.
I ended up finally filing for divorce when he legitimately ran away to avoid being caught in his lies.
I wish I had the self-respect to see what I deserved sooner.”
Never assume they’re on the same page with you about ANYTHING.
Communicate, communicate, COMMUNICATE.
It genuinely wasn’t worth the heartache.
On the outside, everything appeared fine, but behind closed doors, it was anything but.
I was unhappy; my children, grandchildren, and even the dogs were unhappy.
It got to the point where I genuinely didn’t want to be around my ex…ever.
“Always run background and credit checks on them before you get serious.
My ex was a professional con man and owed restitution that gained interest every year.
The interest increased more each year than he earned for his annual income.
I learned about that YEARS after we married when the IRS came after my assets.
Never marry someone without running a background and credit check.”
“I knew I shouldn’t have married him.
I was settling because I thought no one would want me after being in a series of abusive relationships.
I cheated on him multiple times, including the night before our wedding.
My biggest regret was not allowing myself time to heal from prior relationships.”
It was odd because my parents didn’t have that kind of money.
My parents told me he had never once mentioned me when he was in their presence.
He only talked about his own accomplishments.
I was never more than eye candy and a potential retirement fund for him.”
“I regret staying in it so long.
Everyone in my family has been divorced.
My mom has been married four times.
There was no way I wanted to be THAT divorced person.
I was scared to be alone, and I wanted a family.
I also regret not prioritizing our relationship more after having our child.
We became roommates.”
“Listen to your gut.
We happily dated for a year or so, but then he proposed.
I assumed it was normal to be hesitant to accept, but it seemed like the logical next step.
I spent a year and a half avoiding wedding planning.
Then, I woke up the morning of my wedding day and cried.
I did not want to get married, not only to this man but to anyone at all.
I never wanted that life, and I found myself drowning in it.
We stayed married for a few years, but it was strained.
We divorced, and he married someone completely opposite me two years later.
I’ve never been happier!
I never wanted kids, marriage, or the white picket fence!
I wish I listened to my gut sooner, but that’s life!
“First of all, ensure you respect each other at all times.
Don’t get a joint account big mistake.
Take the time to continue with date nights and doing special things for each other.
have a go at go to restaurants before kids, and get your trips in, too.
If your premarital compatibility test says you’re not compatible, believe it.
We laughed when it said our biggest difference was parenting.
It said we were 36% compatible.
In the end, it was right.
When you have kids, share in the responsibilities equally.
Don’t threaten divorce in an argument.
That’s a nail in your coffin.
Don’t criticize your partner all the time.
Rather, accept the differences and treasure their qualities.
Lastly, fall in love every day.”
“I regret being so devoted and working hard to fix things in our relationship.
I did not realize, for a LONG time, that my commitment was one-sided.
I’ll never understand how I was married for so long.”
“I regret not putting in the work.
We were a perfect match, but we ignored the marriage.
We had kids and jobs and focused on those things.
We grew apart and lost the love.
We were roommates for the last three years.
We’re divorced now, and I still love her, but we let the fire die.”
“I regret not knowing about their extended family’s' medical/criminal history.
I didn’t' get a background check on my fiance and their extended family.
I also had a kid before marriage, so I felt obligated to get married.
I regret getting married when my fiance and I were 21 years old…before our brains were developed.
He developed a mental illness.
I wish I had been more experienced and finished my college education.
I married someone uneducated and unmotivated.
We didn’t date long enough for me to see who he really was.
I stayed for too long in an abusive, dysfunctional marriage.”
“I’m currently going through a divorce, and it sucks!
It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
We share a son, and that’s the hardest part for me to navigate.
I made many mistakes.
I cheated and lied, and we never addressed or healed from those setbacks properly.
Our communication was not what it needed to be.
I regret cheating and lying.
I regret not being mature enough when we did get married.
I regret not being strong enough to build on our communication so we could evolve and truly prosper.
Also, DON’T CHEAT OR LIE!
I gave up and quit.”
She was a good woman, but I took her for granted and didn’t appreciate her.
I wish we had accepted each other and recognized that we were flawed and needed work.
If we had, we would have grown together rather than apart.”
“I was too young and didn’t know him well enough.
We didn’t live together because of strict religious beliefs, and it was a total bait-and-switch.
A few months after we married, he told me housework was a woman’s job.
He slept all day and played video games all night.
It somehow was always my fault that he wouldn’t contribute to the relationship.
I stayed too long and even had kids with him.
The day our first child was born, he actually told me, ‘You’re not in labor.
“I should have left then, but I stayed five more years with a total narcissist.
My advice: get to know someone, live together, and know your worth!”
The co-dependency on his part was unreal and still is to this day.
I am finally confident in who I am and what I can offer.
“I regret not speaking up more.
I didn’t know I could.
That didn’t help the situation, and I own that.
c’mon know that a marriage is a partnership.
you could’t make someone understand your definition of marriage if you could’t speak to your beliefs and needs.”
Also, I shouldn’t have thoughtlessly trusted family and friends.
The day I walked away, I lost my marriage, my best friends, and my family.
He’d known her since she was 6, and I’d known her since birth.
My parents, brother, and best friend allowed them to meet up at their homes.
They all bought his stories about me being unkind to him and thought he deserved better.
I went no-contact with all of them on the spot.
I even moved to Canada to get away from their drama.”
“I’m a Gen X male.
I grew up very religious and committed to saving myself for marriage.
I married my high school sweetheart at 19.
I just couldn’t let it go.
I said I had forgiven her but held on to the resentment, determined to make myself a martyr.
She told me because of my values, she knew I wouldn’t divorce her.
She is such a wonderful woman, and I made amends with her years later.
I will always regret not being able to forgive her for something I see now as so trivial.”
“If there are red flags, know they exist for a reason.
I felt like this was the bed I made, and now I had to lie in it.
“I was married for less than a year after dating and living with my ex for two years.
It didn’t happen, and he walked away and never came back.
This led to him neglecting his responsibilities and becoming a perpetual victim.
you’re able to’t save people from themselves.”
What happened after was exactly what I did not want.
We fell out of love (if that is what we were actually in).
We became more like roommates and had lots of arguments and disagreements.
I put all my time into work and my son to avoid my wife.
We divorced not long after the affair.
My bond with my son never faded.
He is still my best friend, and my relationship with my ex is decent.
It taught me that making mistakes and making bad judgment calls on people is okay.
My current wife is my life.
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
