Odds are you’ll still be thinking about these jokes years from now.
“The worlds greatest Spanish speaking magician was just about to perform his final act.
and disappeared without a tres.”
jmacxjr
2.
“A woman holding her little baby in her arms gets onto a bus.
The driver says, ‘Wow, thats an ugly baby!’
The woman is outraged, but says nothing.
She says, ‘That bus driver was so rude and insulting!’
Here, Ill hold your monkey.'
Mark P., Quora
3.
“The guy replies, ‘Honesty.
The interviewer says, ‘I dont really see how honesty could be considered a weakness?
In fact, I think honesty is a great strength!’
To which the guy replies, ‘I dont really give a shit what you think.’
Steven O., Quora
4.
“A man in a bar notices two women having a conversation a couple of seats down.
He goes up to them and says, ‘Excuse me but you have such lovely accents.
Are you ladies from England?’
One of the women turns to him and condescendingly says, ‘No, Wales.’
The man says, ‘Oh, I apologize.
Are you whales from England?'”
“Vendor says, Raspberry syrup?
Yes just, replies the bloke in the same painful sounding voice.
No, says the bloke, pointing to his throat, Laryngitis.”
Salvatore W., Quora
6.
The bartender accepts and guesses a wallet.
The man says, ‘No, it’s a 10-inch pianist.’
He sets the pianist on the table and plays a beautiful melody.
The bartender says, ‘Well, that’s pretty cool.’
The bartender agreed happily and said, ‘I want a million bucks!’
Just then the bar began to fill with a million ducks.
The bartender was very unhappy and began to insult the man.
The man said, ‘What, you think I wanted a 10-inch pianist?'”
messywizard79
7.
The best hiding spot available is behind large sacks of potatoes.
It isn’t long before the police arrive at the farm and enter the barn.
As the police look around with their flashlights, the girls stay completely still and silent.
The police approach the sacks of potatoes and listen for another noise.
One officer kicks a sack with his boot.
The brunette says, ‘Meow.’
Oh, just a cat.
He kicks the next sack, and the redhead says, ‘Woof.’
Oh, just a dog.
He kicks the last sack, and the blonde says, ‘Sack of potatoes.'”
Bettysometimes
8. rohasi
10.
“A guy dies and, having been far from perfect in life, finds himself in hell.
He quickly shuts the door.
The guy quickly shuts that door, too.
Plus, there’s coffee and donuts!
So he tells the devil he’ll take room number three.
Just then the supervisor blows a whistle and says, “OK, everyone.
Back on your heads!”
Mike Spohr, BuzzFeed
11.
“A lady goes to the doctor with a lettuce leaf sticking out of her knickers.
The doctor says, ‘Oh, this is a strange one.’
The lady says, ‘And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.’
loz1986
12.
“What do you call a French man wearing sandals?
thatsjustitthough
13.
“A little old lady has a husband whose farting has gotten ridiculous.
Especially at night, in bed, it’s gotten way out of hand.
Angrily, she tells him he’s gotta do something about it!
Or one of these days he’s going to fart his insides out!
He ignores her pleas, and every night, the farting gets worse.
I’ll show him, she thinks.”
“The next morning she wakes up early and creeps to the kitchen.
A little while later, her husband comes into the kitchen, and he looks upset.
‘I guess you were right after all, Agnes…
I farted my guts out overnight!’
Agnes feigned innocence, asking, ‘Maybe it’s time to talk to the doctor about this?’
‘Nah,’ her husband replied.
‘I’ll be ok, I just stuffed them back in.'”
zazupitz
14.
“A little old lady goes to her doctor for a checkup.
The doctor asks her if she is having any problems.
‘Yes doctor, I have a problem.
I have to fart a lot.
I fart all the time.
Fortunately, no one can hear them or smell them.
In fact, I have farted twice just since you came in.
I bet you couldnt hear or smell them, could you?'”
Chuck D., Quora
15.
“Two sperm swimming around inside a lass.
One says, ‘Are we at the egg yet?’
“A truck driver is starving and stops at a biker bar.
He orders a beer and some food.
Right after hes served, a biker gang enters the bar, eager for a fight.
One walks up to the trucker, and slaps his hat off.
The trucker takes a sip of beer.
Another biker swats his food off the table.
The trucker takes another sip of beer.
So a third biker grabs the beer and pours it over the truckers head.
The trucker gets up, pays the bill, and leaves.
The biker leader says, ‘That trucker sure wasnt much of a fighter.’
The bartender says, ‘Hes not much of a driver either.
He just drove over all your bikes!’
aditson
17. chi_liete
18.
“Two old ladies are sitting at a bus stop, smoking.
The lady replies that it is a condom, and that you could buy them at a pharmacy.
The young man is taken aback by her advanced age, and replies, ‘Wow.
No one has ever asked me for help with that before…um.
What size do you need?’
The old woman pauses, then replies, ‘I need one that will fit a camel.’
Mario L., Quora
19.
“Doctor: I have good news and bad news.”
“Patient: ‘OK, first, what’s the good news?’
Doctor: ‘You have 24 hours to live.’
Patient: ‘Oh god, just 24 hours to live, that is good news?
I can’t imagine what the bad news is going to be.’
Doctor: ‘I forgot to phone you yesterday.'”
SBZ, Quora
20.
“The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
Im not sure the IRS finds that believable.’
‘Im a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa.
‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘OK.
Grandpa says, ‘Ill bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘Its a bet.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditors jaw drops.
Grandpa says, ‘Now, Ill bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
The auditor can tell Grandpa isnt blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpas attorney as a witness.
He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpas attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘‘Are you OK?’
‘Not really,’ says the attorney.
Helen E., Quora
21.
I said, ‘No?!’
She said: ‘…How about now?’
Bill W., Quora
22.
“Two guys are walking down the street and come upon a dog licking his balls.
One guy says to the other, I wish I could do that.
The other guy replies, Id pet him first.”
sassyghoul20
23.
“What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
jillievanilli
24.
“Before the EU, a German tourist was entering France when the border agent asked, ‘Name?’
The German replied, ‘Heinrich Gruber.’
The agent then asked, ‘City of residence?’
The German replied, ‘Frankfurt.’
Finally, the agent asked, ‘Occupation?’
And the German replied, ‘No, just visiting.'”
Norm K., Quora
25.
“A man goes to the zoo, but there’s only one animal there.
The animal is a dog.
It’s a Shih Tzu.”
sewskilled
26.Two nuns are riding their bicycles around the backstreets of Rome.
The other nun replies, ‘Must be the cobblestones.’
David H., Quora
27.
“A man sits at a bar and orders 10 beers and drinks them one after the other.
He then orders nine beers and drinks them as well, and this goes on and on.”
After drinking these last four beers, he says to the bartender:
‘I dont understand this.
The less beers I drink, the more drunk I get.’
Thomas C., Quora
28.
“Two sisters inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
They only have $600 available.”
The older sister arrives at the stockyard, inspects a bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
Well, after paying for the bull, she only had one dollar, enough to send one word.
The operator shakes his head.
She explained, ‘This is a big word for my sister.
So she’ll read it very slowly…sounding it out as com-for-da-bull.'”
Michael P., Quora
29.
“Guy walks into a bar.
Tells the bartender to set em up for the house and tells the bartender to have one himself.
The bartender presents the guy with the bill.
The guy says, ‘I ain’t got no money.’
The bartender bum-rushes the guy out the door and throws him into the street.”
The bartender presents the guy with the bill.
The guy says, ‘I told you last night, I ain’t got no money!’
‘Why you dirty SOB,’ the bartender yells as he once again tosses the guy into the street.
Next night, the guy’s back.
‘Why not me?’
‘Because, you get mean when you drink!!’
David W., Quora
30.
“One day a city stockbroker decides he has just had too much.
Too much stress, too much of the big city, too much everything.
For six months he lives in tranquillity and isolation.
Then, one day, there is a knock at the door.”
Eventually, the big man speaks:
‘Im yer neighbor from the cabin about a mile down the road.
Anyhow, Im having a party on Saturday, and I wondered if youd like to come.’
The guy pauses for a second and then replies: ‘You know what, that would be great.
It is about time I got out, and it would be nice to meet some new people.
Id love to come.’
‘Right,’ says the lumberjack, looking a little relieved.
‘Ill see you about 8 oclock on Saturday then.’
And then he turns to leave.
‘Well, Im sure thats OK. ‘Right then,’ says the big man.
‘Well, 8 oclock then.’
But as he turns to go, he pauses again and turns back.
‘Uh, well, OK,’ the guy replies.
But if it gets rough, then I am sure I can take care of myself.’
‘Right then,’ says the big man.
‘See you at 8 oclock then.’
But once again, he pauses and turns back, scratching his beard.
‘So I probably also need to tell you: There might be some pretty wild sex.’
The guy perks up a bit at that.
‘Well, you know, we are all consenting adults.
‘OK then,’ says the man.
‘Well, see you Saturday.’
And with that he turns and starts to stroll away.
‘Oh wait, just one question,’ says the guy.
‘What should I wear?’
The lumberjack pauses to think, and scratches his beard again.
‘I dont suppose it really matters much.
It’s just gonna be you and me.'”
Colin R., Quora
31.
“My parrot recently died.
Its last words were, ‘Fuck, I think my parrot’s about to die.'”
indy1989
32.
“A man tells his doctor, ‘Help me doctor, I’m addicted to Twitter!’
The doctor responds, ‘Sorry, I don’t follow you…'”
xy8lu
33.
“Three old ladies sitting on a bench in the park.
A completely naked man runs past them.
Two of them had a stroke.
One wasn’t fast enough.”
“A guy goes to confession and says, ‘Bless me father for I have sinned.
On Friday I went golfing, and I used the ‘F’ word.
The priest says, ‘Tell me about it, my son.'”
The priest says, ‘Oh, you must have said it then.’
The priest says, ‘And then what happened?’
The man says, ‘I hit my second shot, and the ball went wide right.’
The priest says, ‘So thats when you said it?’
So the priest says, ‘Oh, so thats when you said it, then.’
“A man goes up to Professor X and says he’d like to join the X-Men.
‘Sure,’ Professor X says.
‘What’s your ability?’
‘I have perfect hindsight,’ the man says.
‘I really don’t think that’s going to help us much.’
‘Yeah,’ the man replies, ‘I can see that now.'”
kmskoby
36.
“What did the 0 say to the 8?
Lindsey Jackson Keele, Facebook
37.
“What do you call a guy laying by the door?
What do you call a guy hanging on the wall?
What do you call a guy floating in a pool?
And my favorite: What do you call a guy with a seagull on his head?
crookedflowers
38.
The husband replied, ‘I can see that, sweetheart!’
bcheese
39.
“My friend Joe went on the Dolly Parton diet.
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leeean.”
flightforvanity
40.
“A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar.
The rabbit says, ‘I think Im a typo.'”
“Has your doctor talked to you about the benefits of adding dried fruit to your diet?
Im just raisin awareness.”
goldenlion71
42.
“As a natural blonde, into my 40s, I LOVE collecting blonde jokes.
My favorite: Two blondes walk into a bar, super happy and excited.
They order their drinks, and the bartender overhears them a few times saying ‘Two weeks!’
while clinking their glasses or high-fiving in celebration.
Intrigued, he asks, ‘So what are you two ladies celebrating this evening?’
The other finishes her sentence, ‘And we finished it together in ONLY TWO WEEKS!’
“A magician was walking down the street and turned into a drug store.”
‘Excuse me,’ says the now hatless man, ‘your dog just ate my hat!’
The owner of the dog rudely replies: ‘Yeah, so what?’
To which the owner of the dog shouts back: ‘Attitude?
It was your bloody at e chewed!’
marcelswhalemask
45.
“Whats round on the ends and high in the middle?
cmjd77
46.
“A man goes to the hospital and says, ‘Doctor, doctor!
I have the worst symptoms.
Ive had “Whats New Pussycat?”
stuck in my head for weeks!’
The doctor says, ‘It sounds like you have a case of Tom Jones syndrome.’
The man asks, ‘Is that common?’
And the doctor replies, ‘Its not unusual.’
thebiggestsparrow
47.
“Two muffins are in the oven.
One says to the other, ‘Wow, it’s hot in here!’
The other muffin says, ‘Hey, a talking muffin!'”
“So the family recently discovered Grandpa is taking Viagra.
We were all rather surprised, but Grandma has been taking it hard.”
jbdnco
49.
“A dog wanders into the jungle.
A lion spots him but has never seen a dog before.
But the lion wants to know what this new creature tastes like, so he charges at the dog.
The dog panics but then sees some lion bones next to him.
So the dog loudly says, ‘That was one delicious lion!’
The lion quickly stops.
‘Damn, this creature is a bigger threat than I thought!’
The lion is outraged and starts to charge the dog again.
But the dog saw the monkey talking to the lion and figured out what happened.
“This one requires a bit of setup, but I promise it’s worth it.
They go on a few dates and are having a great time as a couple.
Peter realizes that junior prom is approaching, and he asks Jenna to go with him.
The day arrives, and they go in a limo with Jack and some other friends.
Peter heads over to the snack table, and there is no punch line.”
