Reddit useru/BondEmilyBondposed thequestion, “What’s the most surprising thing you learned from getting divorced?”
The thread promptly filled with lessons, good and bad, that people took away from the process.
Here’s what they revealed:
1. u/Acrobatic_Algae_4936
2.
Marriage was not the partnership I expected, especially after having kids.
I suddenly realized this couldnt be the rest of my life.
And things are sooo much better now.
Also, depending on the reason for divorce, you might be friends with your ex.
We have been divorced for almost nine years, and hes better because of it.
He got help, became a better dad, and is more involved.
Families dont have to be perfect, but it helps to venture to get along for your kids."
u/klopije
3.
“I felt I hadnt truly met my ex until we separated.
u/DelightfulandDarling
4.
“Fighting doesn’t end once you’re divorced.
It can get worse.
u/adaemmam
5.
“The person you married is not the same person you divorce.”
u/Royal_Arachnid_2295
6.
I don’t miss him.
That’s what’s weird for me.
I always have liked being on my own, though.
u/auntiepink007
7.
“Sometimes you dont realize the extent to which youre being controlled until you step away from the situation.
When I left my first husband, I bought a couple of new comfort clothing items.
We were still speaking at the time, and he was trying to convince me to come back.
He was a VERY smooth talker, and I started considering reconciliation.
I was left with pants, ankle-length skirts, and tops with a high neckline that covered my shoulders.
That tank top made me realize how bad my situation had gotten.
I immediately picked up the phone and scheduled an appointment with a divorce attorney.”
u/-comfypants
8.
“I expected to be heartbroken, but mostly I just felt relieved.”
u/oddwithoutend
9.
“One of the most surprising lessons from my divorce was discovering the importance of self-reflection and personal growth.
It’s amazing how challenges can be catalysts for positive change and a deeper understanding of oneself.”
u/OrdinaryBowler7
10.
“I felt even more lonely when I was married.”
u/bunbunzinlove
11.
My ex wasn’t horrible to me.
One of mine was, and is, compassion for others.
So, even though I could have very easily been angry, bitter, vindictive, etc.
Forgiving her made it possible for me to move on.
Anger felt like a cancer that would weigh me down.
I didn’t forgive her for her; I forgave her for me.”
u/palookaboy
12.
“How content I could be on my own.
Never having to compromise throughout the mundane moments because you are living alone is very freeing.”
u/Independent_sunshine
13.
“How much calmer I am.
Life is much more peaceful.
The silence after was worth it.”
u/Pristine_Ad5229
14.
They will always be around unless the children choose to remove them from their lives at some point.
That includes the extended family too, so it’s a package deal at every event.
u/magicrowantree
15.
I have so much more growing and learning to do.
And, it’s been a year.”
u/BondEmilyBond
16.
“Although the situation sucks, there are many positives that I wouldnt trade and Im thankful for.
One of those is the realization of how loved and valued I am by my friends and family.
u/Brownpantsjnr
17.
After being unhappy for so long, it just seemed like the normal.
But, I’ve definitely found out that no, it’s not how it works!
A relationship can be happy and supportive without you feeling like you have to do all the work!”
u/anothercrockett
18.
“People everywhere are getting divorced every day and its not a huge, big deal.
It felt like a horrifying, traumatic thing at first.
By the end, it was demystified down into just something people do, and life goes on.”
u/Wind-and-Sea-Rider
19.
“I got to meet myself, maybe for the first time.
I was in a decade-long relationship that started when I was still in high school.
I was 3,000 miles from home and suddenly had to reevaluate everything in my life.
I found many of my interests and goals were really built around our relationship or his interests.
I always thought he was the fun one, but it was me all along.
I built a life I love and experienced more than I ever imagined.”
u/LaBigotona
20.
When you want to get divorced, you might not recognize the other person anymore.
You’re miserable and the kids notice.
Is that what you want to teach them love is?
Bridezillas/groomzillas are real things and it’s ALWAYS best to run for the hills.
If the party and appearances are the most important thing to him/her, that’s a free red flag.
“Every single weddingzilla I’ve seen has turned out to be a disaster in the long-run.
It means they’re materialistic and all for appearances, and that extends into married life.
They’ll get bored.
u/mahade
21.
“All your actions/decisions have consequences.
u/Plus1that
22. u/sregor0280
23.
“My ex-spouse is a better friend than they were a spouse.
It wasn’t the marriage for either of us.
u/PaintItSparkles
24.
“I am not the same person I was almost six years ago.
It isnt the end of the world when divorce happens; its the beginning of a new adventure!
Im also shocked at how long a bag of Doritos lasts in my home now.
And, they’re all for me!”
u/GuppyGirl1234
25.
“I can survive terrible things.
My divorce scenario was one of my biggest fears: my husband falling out of love with me.
I survived one of my biggest fears and came out better on the other side.”
u/Valski44
26.
“That my life was actually easier as a single parent than it was with my husband.
u/RoyKentsFaveKebab
27. u/spoonman-of-alcatraz
28.
“Youre not only splitting your own relationship.
Friends will pick sides.
Your in-laws can become distant, if not resentful.
Its like grieving a life that was meant to be, but did not happen.
We also didnt have kids, so we have no reason to talk.
I havent heard from him in almost seven years.
I havent heard from anyone he’s related to either.”
u/pink_camo77
29.
In a two-year period, five couples I knew in my neighborhood got divorces.
All of them, to a tee, were couples that I thought were very happily married.
“Turns out I was living a really dull and sheltered life.
I was astonished at how much infidelity was going on, for example.
There were shenanigans going on everywhere.
Don’t always believe the image they’re trying to project through all the happy Facebook photos.
Don’t ever think you’re alone in an unhappy marriage.
Find a friend you’re free to confide in and talk to.
It has definitely helped me since the divorce, though I wish I had done it beforehand.
I thought I was alone, though.”
u/framptal_tromwibbler
30.
“No one knows what they are doing.
We’re no better off as adults than children in knowing the correct path to take.
That doesn’t make anyone an enemy.
And, yo keep your children out of it.
They deserve love, peace, and calmness through your turmoil.
THEY ARE NOT WEAPONS TO HURT YOUR EX.
If you weaponize them, you’ll regret it.
That’s a promise.”
u/Glomar_fuckoff
31.
I never thought in a million years Id be so happy.
u/ZsFunBus
32.
“It was a GOOD decision.
It was the right choice the best thing and the world did not come crashing down.
My life was vastly improved.
My only regret was waiting too long.
I knew 11 months in I was in trouble.
I waited five more years.”
u/FireRescue3
33.
Divorce is highly looked down upon in my culture.
u/pakilicious
34. u/sweet_dream515
35.
“So many things.
Maybe not surprising things, but good to reflect on nonetheless.
Sometimes it doesn’t matter how hard the two of you work on yourselves and your relationship.
Many people in your life will not know how to show up for you.
The lifestyles many of us have built don’t allow for regular connection with the people we care about.
Everyone is so overbooked.
We’re back to more or less being best friends and doing really well as co-parents.
Dating is equal parts wonderful and terrible.
u/DoctorCalMeacham
36.
“How important personal time is, especially while raising kids.
We had an amicable divorce no fighting over assets or kids' time or anything like that.
Somehow, splitting custody 50/50 completely changed that.
u/chompsky
37.
“It made me a better partner in my next marriage.
u/nicktam2010
38.
“How much stress hurts your health.
After the divorce, my body and stomach aches stopped.
No more migraines, and I got better sleep.
I never realized how stressed out I was just being in that relationship until it was over.”
u/rumh4m
39.
Learned that one from my marriage counselor pre-divorce.
I didn’t believe her at first, but it turned out to be accurate.”
u/m1chael0c
40.
“Your friends will choose sides, even if you dont ask them to.
Some of the people that you thought were closer to you will choose your ex.
Everyone involved needs personal therapy.”
“Personal note: I was surprised to learn that I was lovable and attractive to other people.
u/justkatie123
41.
I changed in many ways, some not so good.
I also was in survival mode for so many years that I forgot to enjoy me.
u/IiswhatIisbro
42.Finally: “Divorce doesn’t mean you failed or the marriage was a mistake.
I’m glad he was my husband, and now I’m glad he’s not my husband.
Staying isn’t always winning and leaving isn’t always losing.”
u/HalogenPie
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
