These statements often invalidate the childs feelings.
Many of us repeat them habitually.
Heres what they are:
1.
Could you/do you mind/will you just/can you?
If youre giving an instruction, its better to do so without asking a question.
Another option would be Its time to pick up the blocks.
Im not going to help you.
Instead, Raglin Bignall suggested,,Try first and if it doesnt work we can talk it through.
This lets the child know you believe in them but are there to offer support when needed.
Many of us grew up regulating our behavior to elicit this kind of praise from adults.
But this vague commendation isnt specific enough for kids to really benefit.
It gives little insight into what they are doing well, Jackson said.
When theyre doing something right, be specific so theyll know which behaviors to repeat in the future.
I want you to be good.
But, again, this instruction isnt specific enough to be helpful to kids.
They lack experience and wont always know what good behavior looks like in a given situation.
It can feel like the most obvious instruction to give a shrieking child, but it simply doesnt work.
No one has ever calmed down by being told to do so, Jackson said.
Children need to know it is okay to have big feelings and be taught ways to self-regulate.
You may also find that your own calm, continued presence is enough to help them.
Its not a big deal.
While an issue may seem trivial to us, that doesnt mean it feels trivial to our child.
These statements often invalidate the childs feelings, Raglin Bignall said.
It can lead to them feeling dismissed or believing their feelings are not valued.
It also may cause a child to second guess themselves and the validity of their feelings/experience, Jackson said.
Why didnt you tell me sooner?
We dont want kids to feel punished for finally opening up, Raglin Bignall said.
You could respond instead with, Thanks so much for coming to me about this, she suggested.
Ending a direction or statement with OK?
Many people are in the habit of tacking the question OK?
to the end of a request to make it soften it or appear accommodating.
But kids may not be able to pick up on this.
Give clear directions for what you need the child to do and end there.
Youre not asking the child for permission or feedback, youre simply telling them whats going to happen.
Phrasing requests in this way helps you keep your tone more positive, too.
Was that a good choice?
If a child knew the words to express their feelings, they likely would, Jackson said.
How can I help?
Tell me what happened Do you feel _____?
Help the child figure out what they can do when they have feelings or anger, sadness or frustration.
Practice with role play and talk openly about what they could do differently next time, Jackson said.
If you as a parent are feeling stress, kids will pick up on it.
