In my darkest moments, I convinced myself no one would ever sleep with me again.
I leaned back in the gynecologists chair, my fists clenched, while my doctor peered between my legs.
For the previous few days, Id been experiencing pain.
As it got worse, a ball of dread started to form in the pit of my stomach.
But before I could even get to bargaining with the imaginary deity, my gyno popped back up.
Shed been down there all of five seconds.
The words hit me like a punch in the stomach.
I felt all the blood drain from my face and the air seep out of my lungs.
Until that moment, I had still hoped it was something else.
In fact, I reasoned, ithadto be something else.
Because for my entire adult life Id been a veritable sexual health crusader.
I was by far the most careful person I knew, verging on paranoid.
But none of that mattered, apparently.
Because I had still contracted herpes.
In the week that followed my diagnosis, things only got worse.
The sores were excruciating I nearly fainted while urinating, from the searing pain of acid on open wounds.
Whats worse, I had to visit two other doctors during that time for various reasons.
And all that week, my mind was racing.
In my best moments, my years of sexual health education bolstered me.
I told myself it was nothing but a numbers game.
I told myself that herpes was effectively just a skin condition.
I told myself it wasnt a big deal.
But as I lay there, wracked with pain, other thoughts crept in too.
In my darkest moments, I convinced myself no one would ever sleep with me again.
And this thought stuck around.
So I did some reading.
Some of what I found was extremely reassuring.
Others have no symptoms at all.
And then, there was some stuff that made me feel even worse.
The scariest fact was that the herpes simplex virus can be transmitted even when you dont have any symptoms.
Granted, its highly unlikely, but thereisa chance.
And that chance sent me into an anxiety tailspin.
So I took the risk.
In the end, we had a wonderful whirlwind fling with all the necessary precautions, of course.
He wasnt the only one that showed that level of grace.
Over the next few years, each and every partner I had that conversation with was remarkably compassionate.
Some told me theyd dealt with this same thing before, others asked non-judgmental questions with genuine curiosity.
But that didnt stop us from enjoying each other in less risky ways.
The chance of transmission was close to zero and herpes was something I barely ever thought about.
So when I met Cara* someone I was immediately attracted to I was excited.
We hit it off, flirting shamelessly.
And soon enough, that old familiar ball of dread found its way into my stomach.
I was painfully aware of all the weight, all the stigma still associated with herpes.
But Caras response was more than I could have possibly hoped for.
Like my other partners had, she approached my revelation with kindness and grace.
Thats not an unfair expectation Im the one with the virus after all.
But knowing that Cara had done her own homework and was already educated on herpes was a revelation.
Seven years after my first outbreak, I still dont know who I got herpes from.
I dont even know when.
In the end, it was just bad luck.
Thankfully, though, that bad luck isnt nearly as terrible as its made out to be.
Time and time again the people in my life have been gracious, understanding and non-judgmental.
And in the case of Cara, theyve even helped share the burden of being informed on sexual health.
I guess Im not bound for the nunnery after all.
*Names have been changed to protect individuals privacy.
This article originally appeared onHuffPost.
