“Its very hard for people to wrap their heads around death, especially someonechoosingdeath.”
I am ending my life at a clinic in Switzerland today.
This piece was written three weeks ago.
Ive been dealing with MCS for 40 years.
It does and its debilitating.
I can barely use my hands, and my muscles are weak.
I experience pain at night, and its very difficult for me to sleep.
My issue with my muscles has also been going on for almost 40 years.
I used to be very active.
I loved playing sports like tennis when I was younger.
All of a sudden, in my early 20s, I couldnt hold the racket anymore.
Id have a go at hit the ball and I couldnt.
I cant even hug people anymore.
That hurts so much because Im a hugger.
I love expressing my love and I cant.
Im not a part of the world anymore.
There is nothing for someone who cant take medicine.
Last summer I was diagnosed with breast cancer, which has metastasized to my lymph nodes.
I told my doctors, I dont want any treatment.
I knew I wanted to end my life within seconds of learning that I have breast cancer.
I thought,someone gave me a golden ticket!
My surgeon said he respected my choice, but my oncologist was not receptive to my plan.
She wanted me to see a therapist for depression.
I told her, The depression I have is from suffering all the time thats whats causing my depression.
When I asked her nurse for my records, I was told my oncologist doesnt support my decision.
But its not her decision.
I will throw up anything I take it just wont work.
Fortunately, I do have one, because that clinched the clinics decision to approve me.
I applied in early March and heard back a few weeks later.
They said my app had been approved and asked when I wanted to end my life.
I told them I needed two months because I had a lot to get done before I leave.
Thats very important to me.
But thats over for me now.
Weve been married for 20 years.
He has been so incredibly supportive.
He would never ask me not to do this.
He knows this is whats best for me for both of us.
He will grieve because he will miss me but I want him to move forward and truly live.
He can finallyeatwhatever he wants.
Right now I can have reactions just from his breath if hes eaten something that can trigger me.
My friends have also been supportive.
My mother is having the hardest time out of everyone I know.
She understands why Im doing this, but she doesnt want me to leave.
She doesnt want to see her daughter go.
Despite how she feels, she supports me because she knows I will be free and at peace.
Its very hard for people to wrap their heads around death, especially someonechoosingdeath.
I know some people are probably thinking, What if next Tuesday theres suddenly a cure?
I just dont have any quality of life left.
Theres not going to be a magic solution for all of it.
And … Im ready.
I feel like Ive done what I came to do in this lifetime.
I believe there is an afterlife.
I lost my daughter several years ago and I cant wait to see her again.
Im also sad about the condition of the world.
Part of me wants to be here to help, but what can I do?
My husband is taking me to Switzerland.
Were going to visit Europe for two weeks before my appointment.
Were staying at an organic farm in Tuscany Ive been there before and I can breathe there.
And Ill get to be there with him.
Itll be our time to connect and say goodbye.
Thats really important to me.
Thats what it all boils down to for me.
No, its not rocket science, but that doesnt mean its easy.
Looking back over my 65 years on Earth, I see thats what really matters.
I hope Ive done that.
I hope Ive made some kind of difference.
Thats partly why I wanted to tell my story.
Offering less judgment and more grace would go a long way.
There is a way out of here.
I dont think I should have to travel thousands of miles away to end my life.Mylife.
We have mercy for animals that are suffering, and we put them to sleep.
Why cant we give people that?
It blows my mind.
Youre probably wondering what its like to have the day I chose to end my life approaching.
Its strange but its also strangely comforting.
Life is meant to be lived and thats not what Im doing.
I havent done that for a very long time.
Im ready to go home.
This article originally appeared onHuffPost.
