Kelly Rizzo, the widow of late comedianBob Saget,fiercelyresponded to criticismabouther dating life.
(Last month, Rizzotold E!
Newsthat she did get the blessing of Sagets three adult daughters, which meant so much to have.)
Usually, that opinion is chock full of judgment.
But when youre amanwhos lost a spouse, people are much more prone to sympathize and support your choices.
Heck, they might even kindly offer to set you up with someone nice they know.
(Sandberg eventually took his advice; the tech execmarried Tom Bernthalin August 2022.)
Still, its hard to push back on the judgment thats placed on them.
Honestly, it causes more pain for the griever, Brennan said.
I wish that people understood that when they offer their commentary.
Someone might say, Oh, Id never date so soon after my spouse died, he said.
In reality, no one really knows how they would react until the situation actually happens.
Modern-day widows come up against old expectations.
She was 38 at the time.
While those close to ONeill were supportive of her choice to date again, some acquaintances felt differently.
But ONeill desperately wanted to meet new men and women, if only just to laugh again.
(Must be funny was pretty much a prerequisite for a first date candidate.)
Some have grieved prematurely and are eager for companionship.
Men and women whove lost a spouse are often desperately lonely and craving affection, she said.
The widow dating again experience is much different than the widower dating again experience.
But had he been eager to get back out there, his decision probably wouldve been celebrated.
I think men and women are perceived very differently here, he told HuffPost.
People generally think Oh, he should be out dating, hes young and his son needs a wife.
James LaVeck, the author of the memoirLife After Losses,agrees with that.
LaVeck has been widowed twice.
His first husband, Bob, died in August 1995 from AIDS-related non-Hodgkins lymphoma.
The couple had been together for seven years.
LaVeck was only 27 at the time.
The writers second husband, also named Bob, died in January 2014 from an accidental opioid overdose.
It quickly dawned on LaVeck that men were expected to get over it faster especially gay men.
Men arent supposed to express emotions in our society; women are expected to be overly emotional.
Grief, however, throws all those tropes out the window.
Grief is chaotic, LaVeck said.
When I did start dating, it felt like cheating on him, he said.
I never thought it was too soon, nor did anyone else in my circle.
He dated maybe a half-dozen men during the following year, he said.
On the third anniversary of his late husbands death, he met his second husband.
The time between meeting and getting engaged was about four months, LaVeck said.
One of my friends started dating six weeks after his wife died, he said.
Heres what you should say to a widow or widower.
He died in January 2015.
At first, she felt a bit wobbly on first dates.
But eventually, she realized she had the emotional capacity and confidence to date again.
It helped that she had her late husbands blessing.
I definitely did not have any guilt about dating again.
But talking to other young widows, she knows shes the exception, not the rule.
I find the widows vs. widowers dating again fascinating, she said.
Who is to say which version is better?
What can be said in place of Oh, youre dating again?
McCoy recommends simply asking a widowed friend what they need in the immediate moment.
You might ask them if theyre even interested in being set up, for instance!
Just keep encouraging and affirming and tell them you want goodness for them.
