This is going to ruin the tour.
The cop replied, What tour?
Believe in yourself like visitors who believe they can pet a bison.
Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
what if you want something crunchy
6.
I never understand when celebrities (the rich) get DUIs.
Do you not have Uber money?
Baby, you are famous, hitchhike if you have to!
Asking what happened when I actually already know every detail from my connection of ratspic.twitter.com/qQS5E71qmg
14.
Rapunzel if she had twitterhttps://t.co/QaBwTTuhwr
15.
Just stood at the gate to the park and shouted PIZZA like Im their mum
18. freak
22.
My baby had just learned to crawl & was SO PROUD for approximately 5 seconds.
Then she looked around the room, intensely at every person & noticed she was the only one crawling.
Her face got stormy.
She sat for an hour studying.
And got up & walked.
Spite works wondershttps://t.co/fJ8NCU4559
23.
Just got invited to my friends 3rd baby shower omg girl use your butt!!!
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything.
So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave.
He forgot he was off today.
Yesterday my husband sat in the kitchen working on his laptop as I made a pasta salad.
Then he rode in the car to my parents' house with me and the pasta salad.
Then he walked into the house with me and the pasta salad.
When it came time to eat, he asked who made the pasta salad.
26.
new jersey is so beautifulpic.twitter.com/PxgBMRWYje
27.
In bathroom at casino, asked a lady in her 70s if shed tie the bow around my waist.
One of your grandmothers snatched that thing so hard I grew an inch taller.
I looked like a vertical hornet.
i love being able to tell men to shut the fck up without being lobotomized.
Holy shit my elevator goes to the philipinespic.twitter.com/RlimhENk2X
33.
34.
i trust thempic.twitter.com/4SWHWzp14M
35.
Has also said how about the parking spot though about 30 times so far
38.
Horrible being the first one to sign a group birthday card at work.
No privacy at all either, everyone is gonna read my message when they write theirs.
Im fucking panicking here.
everyone knows what’s up with a 9:00 email
41.
How it started: Toyota issued a recall saying our battery might burst into flames.
They said “noooo bestie just drive it in!
“How it’s going:pic.twitter.com/plWqla9KND
46.
When I walk in the Olive Gardenpic.twitter.com/NltQKdh8nv
48.
Not everything has to be aesthetic.
Sometimes your oatmeal can just look like cement.
fucked up theyre right about getting 8 hours of sleep.
fucked up theyre right about exercising.
See you in July!
