I feel bad for laughing, but I’m laughing anyway.
You may be familiar with ther/TIFUcommunity on Reddit.
I scoffed and arrogantly informed my silly wife that I always make good impressions.
PurpleLazerr /youtube.com
We chitchatted over drinks and salads and seemed to really be hitting it off.
She laughed at my well-timed, perfectly-appropriate jokes, and my wife seemed pleased.
Soon, she brought out the main course, a nice big juicy steak for each of us.
As I began to cut into my steak, I was discouraged to discover how undercooked this steak was.
Now, I’ve had my fair share of rare steak.
I prefer medium, but I can handle rare.
This was several-minutes-on-a-hot-grill short of rare.
I probably could’ve resuscitated the cow had I tried.
No, I’d already feigned great enthusiasm upon seeing the steak.
Just then, our hostess excused herself to the kitchen to take care of some dessert preparations.
I knew I had to be decisive, realizing she could return at any moment.
Here’s the big-time FU.
The window wasn’t open.
It was the cleanest fricking window you’ve ever seen in your life.
This look then slowly morphed into more of a there-is-no-place-on-this-planet-you-can-ever-hide-from-me expression of demonic anger.
My wife’s boss heard the thud of the steak-on-window impact and came quickly.
I just didn’t know what to say.
It felt like a minute of silence, but was probably three or four seconds.
Finally, the best I could manage was ‘I…I’m so sorry.
I am such a klutz…
I don’t know…
I was just cutting it, and it slipped.
Just ask my wife, I really am a klutz.
(No help coming from that direction.)
I will clean this up.
I can’t believe this…
I am so sorry.’
I knew no one was buying the story.
I knew what I had to do.
I remained pretty quiet the rest of the evening.
My wife’s only two words to me since the incident have been ‘I’m fine.’
I hope u know u will never live this down.
Love u, you moron.'"
I searched for love-making songs and started slowly creating a playlist in which I was comfortable matching the rhythm.
There are a few songs on my playlist.
Its fucked up the relationship TBH because sex feels awkward now.
She recognized this and asked me to stop.
I usually bust to this song and find it devastating that she hates the song.
u/TylerLife
If you’ve never heard the song before, here it is.
I promise it’s even less sexy than you’re imagining.
My dentist is a very nice and professional man.
Our first appointment was going pretty smoothly until he made some innocuous remark about us ‘being strangers.’
My immediate reply was, ‘Oh, you’re not a stranger!
You’ve been inside of my mouth for 20 minutes!’
I did NOT intend to make a sexual joke.
I had my second dentist appointment today.
His face was red, and he was breathing a little heavier.
I was a bit concerned and also confused.
Like how could I have embarrassed him this time?
I had hardly spoken!
So he keeps working in there, and then I realize what the hell is happening.
My dentist was wearing grape-flavored gloves.
I had been absentmindedly licking his fingers the whole time.
TL;DR Today I fucked up by licking my dentist."
Six years ago, the bulb burned out and got really dim, just barely a glow.
I take a run by the lake in the mornings.
This lake is bomb-ass and draws scuba divers to the flooded town at the bottom.
I was on the craggy side of the lake, and this dude looked dead.
Like a jackass, I didnt yell at him to check in.
Instead, I toed off my shoes and stripped to my skivvies to save the imbecile.
I was also wearing my contacts so I swam hard in his direction with my eyes closed.
He removed the regulator and incredulously said, ‘Yes.’
My brain blue-screened while I tread water.
The lake felt infinitely deep.
As I pivoted, another dude cleared his throat from 30 feet away on the other side.
Both asshats laughed as a few more heads surfaced around us.
I was surrounded by divers all wildly entertained by my ridiculous high-octane FU.
He quietly mocked me the rest of the way to the shore.
Im a secret sap for it.
They were cadets or recent graduates from a military college, here for the summer.
Im sure I blew up whatever drill they were running.
I told him he would get it back next week.
Except I suffered a traumatic brain injury a few years earlier and I forget stuff.
Narrator: Obviously not everywhere…
Then we moved house.
And I still didnt find it.
And turned it on.
I put fresh batteries into it and handed it to my 28-year-old son.
Who proceeded to laugh for a good five minutes.
Then played it for a few hours.
Then proceeded to tell my wife and other adult children how silly I was."
Pretty normal, right?
The lovely nurse comes in and gives me a brief heads-up, and explains how it all works.
She leaves the room, leaving me to strip down.
All well and good right?
And of course, I happened to forget I was wearing the damn ring.
So, still on my side, I tell her ‘Thank you!
Itll be a lot nicer when its hairless, LOL.’
Finished the rest of the appointment without speaking and dashed out of there as soon as possible.
So my spouse comes running down in their few minutes between endless meetings to make their lunch quickly.
My dog lost his SHIT.
I’m talking every.
My dog loves it, though.
And now I’m figuring out how to shampoo out hot dog water from my life.
I have so many regrets.
But at least he’s having the best damn day of his life because of it.
I probably hate hot dogs now."
Dude was intimidating, and I’m a 4'11" woman, so I was immediately scared.
He looked shocked to see me.
I’m looking at his duffel bag and realizing that I surprised some piece of shit burglar!
I panicked and threw my sandwich at his face and then locked myself in the bedroom.
I’m shaking, and he pounds on the door yelling at me to get the fuck out.
He then yells back that HE is calling the police on ME.
This gives me pause.
I ask him through the door if he knows Jenna (last name).
He tells me yes, she is his next-door neighbor.
Apparently, Jenna’s neighbor ALSO keeps a spare key under a potted plant.
I had to use the restroom, so stayed downstairs while she went up to bed.
Crap, one of my kids must have thrown up.
I finished my toilet biz and went down to the basement to check the cleaning supplies.
I found a bucket, but couldn’t find a mop.
I found one of those squeezy sponge things, but the sponge was missing.
I got to the upstairs bathroom and found no mess.
I carried the cleaning supplies down to my kids' rooms but found no vomit.
I went to our bedroom and found my wife lying on the bed.
She started rolling around on the bed laughing.
She was laughing so much that the mood was basically dead.
I thought she wanted me to bring cleaning supplies because a kid threw up."
Next thing I notice, shes approaching me saying ‘Brian?’
So I played along and started having a friendly chat with her as if I knew her.
To which I respond, ‘I know, I thought we were doing a thing.’
Now the guy she was with before comes over and asks if everything is alright.
Knowing I had fucked up, I just told them honestly what I was doing.
She found it funny and thanked me even though I read the situation wrong.
He was kinda offended but understood.
I have never been more embarrassed."
I thought it would be a great gift idea so I bought six of them for Christmas presents.
As soon as everyone opened their gift at the same time, my mom started freaking out.
She told us how she didnt want us taking them because they had unsafe chemicals.
We explained to her that there were actually no chemicals, but we could tell she was still flustered.
TL;DR I bought everyone in my family an AncestryDNA kit for Christmas.
My mom started freaking out.
Now our parents are fighting, and my dad might not be my dad.
Update: Thank you so much for all the love and support.
My sisters, brother, and I have not yet decided if we are going to take the test.
No matter what the results are, we will still love each other and our parents no matter what.
Update 2: CHRISTMAS ISNT RUINED!
My FU actually turned into a Christmas miracle.
Turns out my sister’s father passed away shortly after she was born.
They never told us because of how hard it was for my mom.
This is a Christmas we will never forget.
And yes, we are all excited to get our test results.
Merry Christmas everyone!"
What could possibly go wrong?
And oh my god, it was just like in my dreams.
Or do you want something that gives you a bit more pep and energy?
Or are you just hoping for something light to take the stress off?'
‘Yes, yes, and yes!’
or ‘How much weed can a person consume in a single weekend?’
What the fuck, Denver?
But who only eats half a cookie?
So a second later, I covertly pop the remainder into my mouth.
My wife looks at me with inquisitive eyes that seem to say ‘Diarrhea?’
But I merely clutch my tummy and mumble something about altitude sickness.
‘You didn’t eat a whole cookie, did you?’
she asks, 10% in genuine concern and 90% in seething irritation.
‘Of course not,’ I respond, avoiding eye contact for the remainder of the car ride.
‘Keep it together, man,’ I say to myself.
But my wife’s sudden groan suggests that I may have also said that to the waiter.
Things are going downhill fast.
The waiter nods sympathetically, takes our orders, and then heads to the next table.
The moment he walks away, my wife is staring daggers at me.
I start to worry that the jig is up.
‘You are sweating…from your entire face,’ she says with both pity and disgust.
At this point, my wife’s mom looks over at me with some concern.
‘Are you alright?’
My wife kicks me under the table to grab my attention.
Now,' she hisses.
‘Get it together.’
I reluctantly get up from the table and head for the toilet.
After splashing several handfuls of water on my face, I approach a urinal and start to pee.
I’ve probably taken more than 50,000 leaks, and it usually only takes about a minute at most.
I try, albeit unsuccessfully, to break eye contact.
Nothing cures mental fatigue like water, right?
‘Do you think I should flag down the waiter again and ask what’s taking so long?’
I suggest helpfully to my wife.
We literally just ordered three fucking minutes ago.'
And at that exchange, my wife loses her cool.
‘HOW MANY COOKIES DID YOU EAT?!’
‘I had a few cookies, but keep it down.
I don’t want your parents to know how fucked up I am right now.’
THEY ARE SITTING TWO FEET AWAY FROM YOU.
