I’m embarrassed at how hard I laughed at these.
Who doesn’t love a good joke?
God, I hate Vern.)
Check ‘em out:
1.
“A guy dies and, having been far from perfect in life, finds himself in hell.
The guy quickly shuts that door, too.”
Plus, there’s coffee!So, he tells the devil he’ll take room number three.
The bartender accepts and guesses a wallet.
The man says, ‘No, it’s a 10-inch pianist.’
He sets the pianist on the table and the tiny man plays a beautiful melody."
The bartender says, ‘Well, that’s pretty cool.’
The bartender agrees happily and says, ‘I want a million bucks!’
Just then the bar fills with a million ducks."
And I know them.’
‘Yep,’ Dave says.
‘Keanu and I are old friends, and I can prove it.’
Great to see you!
Come on in for a beer!'"
“Although impressed, Dave’s co-worker is still skeptical.
After they leave Keanu’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks his knowing Keanu was just lucky.
Well, the co-worker is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.”
‘Pope Francis,’ his co-worker replies.
‘I’ve known the Pope for years.’
The co-worker snorts, feeling vindicated, and says, ‘Sure.’
“Two old ladies are standing together, smoking.
The young man is taken aback by her advanced age, and replies, ‘Wow.
No one has ever asked me for help with that before.'”
“A man with a pet duck walks into a movie theatre.
As pets are not allowed in the theatre, he stuffs the duck down the front of his pants.
“A woman sitting beside him sees him unzip his fly and something pop out.
Her husband casually replies: ‘Just ignore him.'”
“A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to address the crowd of drinkers.
He says, ‘I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.
I’ll give $500 to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.’
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer.
One man even leaves.
“The Texan says ‘yes’ and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately, the Irishman tears into the 10 pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.'”
“An old man and old woman are sitting on a bus bench.
She replies, ‘Infrequently.'”
“A couple of whales are swimming off the coast when they notice a whaling ship.
The first whale recognizes it as the same ship that harpooned his father many years earlier.”
It should cause the ship to turn over and sink!”
They try it, and sure enough, the ship turns over and starts to sink.
Soon, however, the ship’s sailors jump overboard and swim toward the safety of shore.
At this point, though, the second whale is reluctant to follow.”
“Two nuns are riding their bicycles around the backstreets of Rome.”
“A kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word ‘definitely.’
“Another student says, ‘Grass is definitely green.'”
Thanks for reading, everyone!
(Unless, of course, you’re Vern, who can go pound sand.)
