Can a marriage survive infidelity?
To find out, we gathered responses from people onQuorawhotook back their cheating spousesand tried to save their marriage.
Read on to see how things worked out:
1.
“I’m in my second year with my wife who cheated.
We had couples therapy, and she promised never to do it again (mmmm).
I can honestly say that although she is trying and things are good, there are several BUTS…
I have minimal to zero trust in her now and don’t think I ever will.
Lies, betrayal, and cheating tend to have this effect on people.”
JayJay, Quora
2.
“I had a husband who cheated.
He redeemed himself in every way, but there was always this feeling in the back of my mind.
Then, my doctor called to remind me to come in for my yearly checkup.
I had just been there four months previously!
Needless to say, I divorced him.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.”
Karin L.W., Quora
3.
I didn’t do it for the kids.
I didn’t do it for her.
I did it because I wanted to.
I wanted to work things out.
I hated every fiber of what she did.
I love my wife.
I’ve never not loved her; I just hated what she did.
I say hated and not hate because it isn’t something I think about.
I share my experiences here, but these are not my daily thoughts.
I’m thinking about our next vacation, not something that happened 15 years ago.
We were different people 15 years ago.
We have grown since then."
“I share this because, yes, your relationship can end if you want it to.
Whatever you decide will change you forever.”
Blake R., Quora
4.
“My boyfriend has changed in so many ways since he cheated.
He keeps his phone unlocked at all times.
He is thoughtful and considerate.
He looks out for me, and I can’t deny that he loves and treats me well.
That said, the trust is gone.
I am fearful of every woman.”
I don’t mean to be unkind, but she really has nothing going for her.
I say that because now I have no clue who a ‘threat’ is.
I see literally every woman as a threat.
I fear that he secretly has a thing with another woman or is plotting his next girl in line.
Also, our sex has never recovered.
Not to get too personal, but we were in the kink community and did a lot of BDSM.
A lot of extremes.
We used to have sex for three to four hours a day.
And now we’re very toned down.
Since the trust isn’t there, it’s different.
If he said and did the same things.
Finally, and most painfully, my confidence has not returned.
I know that objectively I’m a ‘10,’ according to many.
I’m an amazing girlfriend; I’m educated, compassionate, and successful.
But I still feel inadequate, like a second choice.
Anonymous, Quora
5.
“I cheated on my husband.
He stayed with me, but 10 years later, I know he still hasn’t forgiven me.
It was just sexual, but it lowered my value in my husband’s eyes.
It’s easier for a man to come back from cheating than a woman.
I’m not the same woman I was then, that’s for sure.
But it still causes bitterness between us.
My answer is yes, you could forgive.
Forgetting is the problem.
Couples have come back from it, but very few.”
Avi J., Quora
6.
“My wife cheated on me.
When I found out, it was like my entire life was lopsided and upside down.
I was sick, angry, hostile, so deeply hurt.
I felt dizzy, everything felt unreal.
I decided to attempt to make it work.
It was super rough.
I had to know everything.
I would yell at her on trips and tell her how awful she was and ruin the trip.
I left her and then got back together with her about 20 times.
Every time I thought I could forgive, something would trigger me, and I would rage.
I would find the smallest things to be mean about: ‘I’m hungry for a pizza.
Did you guys have pizza after you had sex?
I bet you did, you slut!
I bet you guys were real hungry after a marathon!'”
“She would cry.
I would tell her she deserves worse.
Then, I would leave angry and come back feeling sorry, sad, and confused.
I would ask for explicit details and then get super pissed off and call her a whore.
I told her that I was going to cheat on her to show her how it felt.
She begged me not to.
I reveled in her pain, and I did it anyway.
Then I went home and told her everything we did.
I watched her cry in horror.
What a crappy thing to do to someone.
We were finally understanding how it all blew up.
Somehow, over a few months, anger, lies, and resentment turned into forgiveness.
Somehow, we learned from it all and became better people.
We stopped lying and deceiving each other.
We created a safe environment to say anything, even things that sting and hurt.
We no longer had a Disneyland idea of what a marriage was supposed to be.
We now didn’t take each other for granted but took care of one another.
We unlocked our phones and shared them.
We gave each other our passwords and secret emails.
We talked about private things that we kept from each other for over a decade.
They prefer bitterness over forgiveness.
Jason M., Quora
7.
“I had a wife who cheated.
She wanted to go to counseling.
The relationship was okay afterward, but never the same.
She married the guy she cheated with and jumped headfirst into the church.
Her sister told me she wasn’t happy but would never get divorced again.
They’ve been together for about 40 years.”
“Once, she showed up at my door, wanting to talk.
She started crying, and I closed the door.
Later, she took responsibility for her actions, and we both moved on.”
Thomas A.D., Quora
8.
“When I was young, I caught my husband with the neighbor from downstairs.
I was 22, madly in love, and believed marriage was a sacrament.
My mother told me I had made my bed, so now I needed to lie in it.
‘Men cheat,’ she told me.
“I worked on myself and tried valiantly to rebuild the trust that he broke.
He continued to cheat.
We moved a thousand miles away from the affair partners so he could take his dream job.
I found a new pastor and a new counselor.
I was supposed to GET something out of marriage?
I was divorced at 25.
I will never again tolerate cheating.”
Ruby V.,Quora
9.
That marriage was over.
The question she posed was, ‘Do you both want to create a new marriage?’
I believe there was incredible wisdom in this statement.
In the end, I asked for a divorce because I could no longer look at her.”
“I absolutely encourage you to seek counseling now.
Don’t put it off.
It takes time to recover.
Recovery is easier if you have someone to talk to.
I’d also suggest that you resist the temptation of poor life choices.
I felt like trash after we separated due to the things that were done and said.
I got into rebound relationships, sex, and alcohol.
I probably hurt some people that didn’t deserve it.
Don’t do this!
I lost friends, family, religion, and many other important things in the divorce.
It left a void in my life.
I tried to fill the void with women, sex, alcohol, clothes, and cars.
None of these things did the trick.
I eventually became disgusted with myself for what I was doing.
Just the way I was raised.
It’s in the Bible.
My ex chose to break our bond.
He did not tell me until after we reconciled five years ago.
I thought I could forgive, but I suspect more was happening.
I’m glad that’s over.
It was so abusive, with women texting me crazy stuff and messages on Facebook from women.
So yeah, cheating has consequences years down the line.
Gwenwyvere, Quora
11.
“Ive stayed after cheating.
I stayed long enough to save money and start a new life elsewhere.
Then, after I got myself together, I left him one day.
An undisciplined man doesnt deserve my time or to be in my life.”
Hannah B., Quora
12.
It wasnt worth it.
It was too much.”
It was a two-decade marriage, and he had a midlife crisis.
All of this was from a real straight arrow and staunch lifelong nondrinker.
I wouldve been wiser to walk away immediately and not let the save the marriage counseling games begin.
He was who he thought he should be.
It was sad and insulting because Im open-minded, so his lack of trust was wasted.
Id always had his back and thought he had mine.
It didnt have to end the way it did.
But its like he imploded, and I was taken down by debris or something.
I cant believe I came through it intact, thinking about it all sometimes.
What a waste of about five prime years conscientiously trying to navigate it all for the kids.
Cheating is a revealer, not of the spouse, but of the damage in the person cheating.
