“The psychological effects of having ended human life still haunt me 20 years later.”
Few things are more nightmarish than the thought of taking another person’s life.
For theQuorausers below, though, it’s not a nightmare…it’s a reality.
Read on to hear their stories and how taking a life affected their lives:
1.
“This is probably the most personal question I could ever answer.
I guess the beginning would be the best place to start.
When I took another man’s life, I was just 19.
Looking back now, I can honestly say I felt immense peer pressure to go through with the murder.
I was a drug dealer, and I felt I had a reputation to uphold.
I can see all this now, but I could see none of it at the time.
I realize now I was in a very bad place in life.
These feelings made me feel powerless, and I lashed out.”
“My lashing out cost another human his life.
I felt like I had finally stood up for myself.
I was completely irrational.
I realize now it is like my friendDavid Monroealways says, ‘hurt people, hurt people.’
I was really hurting, and I didn’t know how to ask for help.
Admitting to myself I was feeling scared, lonely, unworthy of love and respect was just too hard.
This was hard for me, but I am finally there over fifteen years later.
Now I feel sadness over murdering someone.
I feel I have robbed my victim’s family of the most precious thing in life.
I feel immense sorrow for this.
I feel I have robbed my family of truly ever knowing me.
I feel like I have created fear in my community.
I am full of guilt and shame over my actions.
I never want anyone else to feel the way I do.”
This program with Quora is part of The Last Mile San Quentin.)
“It’s been two years and four months.
Every day that goes by is very ‘one foot in front of another.’
I’ll make a long story short.
It was a freak accident a horrific freeway accident.
No drinking or drugs, speeding, texting or calling, reckless driving, etc.
I have survivor’s guilt, sadness for their family, sadness for them.
I feel guilty that I facilitated their transition and angry that I didn’t do things differently.
“The list goes on.
They didn’t deserve this.
Their family doesn’t deserve this.
And I did it.
I deserve at least that.I will never fully forgive myself and never get over it.
I think of them often.
Sometimes, I watch their videos.
I include them when I pray and meditate, and I ask them to forgive me.
I pray for their families to find healing one day.
They were beautiful people.”
Jasmine H., Quora
3.
“The psychological effects of having ended human life still haunt me 20 years later.
The initial feeling was exhilaration and a sense of invincibility for me.
Guilt and remorse started to creep in slowly over time and became more dramatic once I had children.
As I grew older, I became more aware of the value of human life.
The dreams seldom trouble me.
It’s during moments of quiet reflection that their faces sometimes appear.
I wonder what would have become of their lives had I not ended them.”
Anonymous, Quora
4.
For that reason I have been reluctant to share this aspect of my experience.
The first time I killed someone was in an eye-to-eye encounter.
I had just turned a curve on a trail.
The other guy was wearing classic North Vietnamese Army gear with an AK47 at a semi-relaxed position.
His eyes opened very wide, and time seemed to slow down.
He was just as surprised as I was.
Reflexes took over, and I beat him to the draw.”
“There was absolutely no thought involved in shooting; it was simply conditioned reflexes.
As time went on and buddies were killed by the enemy, my attitude became more aggressive.
Later I did dwell on some of the actual people.
Sometimes, we would check the bodies for information and come across pictures of their family.
That was a little tough for me.
But I would like to be clear that it is kill or be killed in that situation.”
Roger S., Quora
5.
“The first thing I did was run like I’ve never run before or since.
My legs felt weak.
When I stopped, I puked.
I couldn’t believe what just happened.
I saw the blade go into one side of his neck and out the other.
I was jumped by three gang members, and it just happened so fast.
About three years later was the first time I saw him…barely.
Just a quick glimpse, and then he was gone.
Now, about twenty years later, I see him all the time.
I think he’s waiting for me to die.
I think the traumatic experience was too much.
The guilt is heavy.
It’s like a building sits on top of me.
It’s like I killed myself that day.”
), and headed home.
My drive went smoothly until I was a block away from home.
I was traveling around 3545 mph.
That is when I heard the horrifying thud bdunk bdunk bdunk and I slammed on my breaks.
As soon as I opened the door, I heard the blood-curdling screams."
His brother followed, and I immediately started screaming.
I still couldn’t see his father.
There was a family altercation, and he wanted to die.
We called an ambulance for him to get him some help.'
I am still screaming.
I come upon his body, sitting in a pool of blood.
Within minutes, a policeman pulls up.
He immediately starts rendering aid.
Minutes later, an ambulance arrives.
I am still in shock.
They started CPR before putting his barely alive body in the ambulance.
He was life-flighted to a local hospital.
It turns out that he was lying in my lane facedown wearing a black sweatshirt against black pavement.
I wonder why the ex-wife wouldn’t put her car in front of his body.
The man was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital.
I’m twenty-two years old.
I don’t know if I will ever be able to live with myself."
“It was four people, and I will never forgive myself as long as I live.
My husband and three children were in the car.
I was completely sober, maybe a little tired from work, but it was a mechanical problem.
We didnt hit another car or any other people.
I was injured, but not badly.
My husband, aged 30, and my children (8, 6 and 4) died.
It has been decades since then.
I never drove again.”
“I am going to tell this in the hopes that others may think twice before killing someone.
It didn’t matter that this man was abusing my 14-year-old little brother.
I took the life of someone who was a son, a brother, and a friend to someone.
In prison, when someone heard my story, they’d often say, ‘Good job!
Another POS off the streets.’
But I did not feel the enthusiasm that they displayed.
Oh, I would pretend I did, but inside, I was hurting.”
“Parents, I beg you.
My God, I’m sorry.”
Vernie S., Quora
9.
“Today marks 16 years since I took the life of another human being.
I know now that murder does not stop with the perpetrator and the victim.
I killed my victim during the middle of the holiday season.
I think of my son growing up in the same community where I committed this heinous crime.
The only emotion I felt comfortable expressing was anger, which I used to hide what I really felt.
I overreacted to a lot of situations out of fear.
Fear was something I believed no real man felt.
This has allowed me to connect with people on a level I never thought possible.
There was a time when I wasn’t so comfortable with all these new emotions.
I move through life conscious of my purpose in showing all the aspects of being a man.
Being a man is being human and experiencing all the emotions that come with it.
Sometimes, strength is doing the opposite of most.
May you be strong enough to allow yourself to be vulnerable.”
James H., Quora
(Entries have been edited for length and/or clarity.)
Dial 988 in the US to reach theNational Suicide Prevention Lifeline.
