Parents say this one to kids all the time.

Often, its a sibling.

you cry, hot with embarrassment that your child would behave this way.

A woman is holding a young boy closely, both are facing sideways. The woman is wearing a long-sleeved top, and the boy has a sleeveless shirt

You run up to them, grab their hands, crouch down to look them in the eye.

You cant undo the hurt theyve caused, but you have to dosomething, right?

Sure, you might make a kidsaysorry but can you make them feel it?

A woman comforts a sad little girl sitting on a couch

Heres the thing: these feelingstotallyinhibit any real learning and growing!

They also dont guarantee that your child will arrive at an apology on their own the next time.

Forcing an apology is quick and easy.

An elderly woman with gray hair and a blue top sits on a bench, smiling and gently touching the chin of a young girl in a sleeveless dress holding a book

However, it doesnt get at the underlying issue, Barchers said.

How do you think she feels?

(Pause to give your child time to respond.)Yeah.

A boy sits on a bench in a playground, appearing thoughtful with his knee up to his chin. A colorful fence and a zebra spring rider are in the background

Hitting is never okay.

Lets go over and see how we can help her feel better and say sorry.

Note that the sorry is in there, but not without some groundwork to make it actually count.

A mother joyfully embraces her smiling daughter in a park. The mother wears a short-sleeved top, while the daughter wears a striped shirt and a knitted scarf

Your child might not be able to see the other childs perspective right away.

Dont worry about this too much, either, Barchers said.

I should have asked if we could take turns, or I am so sorry.

Can we talk about why I got so frustrated that I yelled at you?

Margolin and Gallant suggested that you say something like: Are you okay?

I see youre feeling really upset.

Hitting is never okay.

Is there anything we can do to help you feel better?

Understandably, you may also want to apologize on your childs behalf.

Apologizing on behalf of your child to the other misses a learning opportunity for your child.

And it takes your child off the hook, indicating that they dont have to take responsibility for misbehavior.

Your example teaches them how to handle such situations.

One day, your voice will become your childs inner voice, said Margolin and Gallant.

This includes times that you should probably apologize to them.

To make your apology count, you better go beyond Im sorry.

Putting the apology in context gives it more meaning, Barchers said.

She gave the following example:Im sorry I couldnt play a game with you.

I truly didnt have time.

I have an idea for tomorrow.

I would like you to help me with the laundry.

Then we would have time for the game.

Margolin and Gallant offered another:Im so sorry that I yelled at you.

That probably made you feel really scared.

That probably made you feel really sad.

Im really sorry you dont deserve that.

Im going to work on not yelling when I have an upset feeling.

You didnt do anything wrong.Note that here, you are acknowledging your childs feelings and validating them.

Barchers gave the following example:I accept your apology.

Lets figure out a plan.

Finally, there are some mistakes that even a heartfelt apology cant smooth over.

Barchers recalled, My son wanted to hold a family heirloom my great grandfathers pocket watch.

It was on display on a shelf.

I told him he could hold it but not play with it.

Later he was roller skating with the watch in his hand and he dropped it.

The watch was irreparably damaged, she said.

We had a long discussion about how some things cant be undone sorry doesnt work.